A goal...

I wish to live a horrible life.
By horrible I mean...a life, in the eyes of a decent moral man... horrible. This horrid existence wouldn't be criminal...but...carnal. now..don't get me wrong...this isn't referring to sex...but it is of the flesh.

Now...I'm not talking of anything....illegal.

I wish to be surrounded by the temporal.
By those who realize we are an animal,
With impulses induced by chemicals...
Fluxuating...and charging in our brains...
And these people will recognize that these bodies...
Obviously...expire....and every minute is
A missed opportunity...even when productively...
Its still a wasted moment.

So I dream of the day when my impulses...
Are met and fulfilled...with no Question...

Maybe to live my life...
With a plaything...
A beautiful doll to dress up...and destroy if I wish.
Or... to protect from the outside world...
A toy to preserve and enjoy...

To adore and demolish...
To emphasize, and destroy...

Where are you?

I would steal every breath from you.

Watching "creation"....such a good movie.
I must read "origin of the species".
Evolution. People look at human beings and the world...
And think "everything is so complex, it couldn't be mere chance."
I think the complete opposite...
Everything is so complex....how could any being great, greater or small.
Create this complicated flesh...or orchestrate the very cells that make
Up these bodies. I don't see the difficulty in seeing the minute changes
Over an unfathomably long 100,000 years. And countless iterations,
And revisions to flawed cell and bone structures. Sense dictates
To me...the perfect storm...culminating in us...... Bah...I need sleep.

My favorite poem ever...

This

Blog is for random odd thoughts...
And Writing things...
Sometimes you just have to get words out...

Yep.

Enough.

Enough!

No more wasting time!

There's a quivering cur...swirling in my neck between my shoulder blades. Its my skin sleeplessly screaming.
These unanchored shores, cling haplessly to what my
Soul is singing. The words my spine wants to say to
You... perhaps I may not have anything to
Say...but just to know that someone is listening.
Someone who knows my love.

Sometimes I wonder what its going to be like when life leaves my body. All of my grandparents when I was a kid. Last year My aunt and my uncle, 5 weeks apart, my aunts boyfriend, a friends, best friend of 21 years, and the day before yesterday, a friends stepdad....

I have a hard time watching people sleep.
Especially since my uncle...he died in the house next door.

I don't know if its healthy thinking about these things.
But I do, daily...just not normally first thing in the
morning.

Everything just kind of piles up in my head though.
Is this person lying to me, am I going to get fired,
Will I ever not feel alone, when will my parents die,
Who will be first...when will I die....will I be alone,
Will I sit for 47 years, and not be found like that
Woman in scotland. And since I will die....what's the point of caring about anything at all.

Thought about companies yesterday...
These people work their lives to build this company.
Working long hard hours...for nothing.
When they die its just a flash...
The accumilation of a life...bubbling...then bursting...

I don't know....
It all kind of leaves me frayed....
Like a power cord cut from a device while in use.

Fucks my head up.
The uselessness of it all.
And peoples denial of its end.
I can't wrap myself around the world...
I can't make it a part of me.
I can't enjoy things.
If ever and rarely....
That's just how I am.