The sound and obscurity...

I know why I make the "music" that I make. it doesn't incur a memory in my head. There is no emotional reference of it anywhere in my past. 90% of the time...I'm an open sore. But this stuff I make...is numbness.
Its why I can't come up with real words. That gives it context...which means it matters. Which makes it difficult.  ...I can't listen to women singing in the room with me. Or the sound of acoustic instruments resonating near me. It rips me wide open. Like that violin echoing through the canal. I lost control. I hate it. I hate it. Goodnight.  

bad damn day.
thats all i post here is negativity.
negativity and randomness.
i guess its better than letting it all build up.

so far today.
i found out my company is moving about an hour away.
about 2 weeks after my car dies.
luckily i live close enough to walk to work.

so...thats a problem.

and...my phones charging cable...its connectors broke off.
so...theres that.

i just need something good to happen.
i really truly do.

God.

god as a concept is neither fact or fiction. we just chose the word "god" to explain it.      im asking...define "god"..     the idea of infinite possibilities...is incomprehensible...  in one of those universes...someone can say... "theres no way life can be supported on creatures made of water and carbon.". so there can be "godlike" entities.   but... when it comes to creation... being able to accept that there are unfathomable iterations of A universe...(i dont know who defined ours are the "origination") ....if you canaccept thatidea...then you can accept that in the realm of absolute potentiality..that in one of these a "god" could exist. if we as humans were able to experience these universes...we would be "god".    ...but it all depends on your definition of god. is it spiritual, physical, societal...etc... we cant apply human/earthly reasoning/rationality to the universe. especially when it comes to infinite possibilty. we can only apply open ended speculation.       ...it all comes down to the definition of god.   if god was a collapsed star..a flash in the universe... an explosion of matter and antimatter...lacking mass...a blackhole...it would be a suspension of time.  why couldnt that be god?    ...thats a better definition that ..you know.....jesus.     sorry....im thinking "outloud"....