The end of the world...

So...tomorrow.... end of the world.

Its bullshit. It takes 365 days for the earth to revolve around the sun.
If some sort of alignment would alter the earths atmosphere, causing a second ice age...or some sort of other celestially induced destruction.... guess what...there would have to be a build up...a precursor TO the magnetic fields aligning or whatever... put two magnets together...the come together with a *snap....what's the precursor?   The magnet dragging itself across the table on its way TO the 2nd magnet. ...in terms of galactic bodies....I SEE NO PRECURSORS. Unless they happen rapidly....probably starting with waves...probably....twice the size of average waves.... THAT would be the first sign to me....that shit was about to get real.

SO...that leaves some sort of religious armageddon.
To that...I say.....STRIKE US DEAD.

We fucking deserve it.
These religions...this arrogance...the lies we've told ourselves to appear superior.   I'm sick of them. I understand the ramifications of what I'm saying. That means everyone I know....life taken away...either peacefully...or not. I know that all suffering is gone. All sadness would be gone. All of the delusions of importance.... wiped away. No more rich motherfuckers with daddys money fucking life up for everyone else because they have no compassion...no heart. No more poor, starving people, wishing for a chance to live...and prosper... no more thieves...no more pitiful ....no more ugliness...no more beauty...  

We are apes...disgusting apes...who have a poisonous passion for a false freedom. We are not free. Noone is free... we are still a slave to our biological demands. Our instinctual necessity...our selfish desire.

Enough.

So...as I said...tomorrow is bullshit.
But.... a small corner of my heart...is let down by it.

*Note*

I am a talentless hack. A bullshitter. A charlatan. I do things to entertain myself more than for notoriety.
The "I can" is more important than the "I have"s.
And the "I will" has always pushed the "Iquit"s aside.
I know I'm am an oaf...I am a foolish idiot.

I am at war with everything.

Skin.

I'm ment to create. I ignore the urge too much.
Once I start, I can't stop. I lose myself, and I absolutely
Lose time. But ...starting...is the hardest part.
When I ignore...I can't sleep, I stress constantly.
When I paint or draw...it stops it all.

The other night, I was almost up for 24 hours....
Laying in bed I grabbed my sketch book, drawing board, and my pencil....I sketched a circle....and passed out.

It just a necessity.

Dear romance,

Your presence is no longer sweet.
Its no longer an inspiration no longer the definition of joy. The grip you have had on my eyes is faulty, broken, marred and flawed. I have lost the position to adore the simplicity of romantic heights. I am done with this all...ths

You.
There is no effort.
No trying. No work.
In the midst of conversation.
I feel like a man.
And to me, you, feel like a woman.
Two different lives.
Two different pasts.
Occasionally criscrossing.
They've atleast led us to here.
If for a moment, or for however long.
It is.  ...it may not be more than whatever this is.
But selfishly, and as simply as it can be,
it suits my need.
For someone to just be there.

Now, the greater needs...
The important needs...
Are pondered over furiously.
Are considered.....carefully.
The instigation of desire.
Are pushing my days...
And fueling my nights.
It is a slow motion screaming...
God help us when it gains momentum,
And speeds disasterously into a mountain.
Sending hot debris and flames in all directions.

Oddly. I'm not driving that train.
My brain is on its back begging to go faster.
And my heart is looking backward....
Just hoping that it all somehow, eventually,
makes some sort of sense.
But also...hopes...that whatever fills him.
Stays. And doesn't drain and flush out of him.
Even if its poison, he is happy to even be pumping
Something through these lame veins again.

So from where I sit.
I'm here because it makes me feel.
It brings happiness.
It may stop tomorrow.
Or next year.
But as long as my stupid sorrow and sadness
Are held at bay,

You hold my friendly leash.
Ill do whatever you ask.

In 10 years.
We'll look back on today as the good old days.
Much like how we do, about 10 years ago.
Because things are constantly changing,
Not only is everything around us changing,
But we are too. With every breath, with every blink,
With every passing second, we are constantly changing.
After saying goodbye to everything ive always refused to say goodbye to. I know...it wasn't that important.
What made it important, was everything I built around it. We...are our own power, its only limited by what others allow us to be, to them. Our place in the world is only based on circumstance. Our personal experience, our existence...is ours. Noone like us has ever been alive of existed before. We are ourselves. At this time at this moment...we are all that there is. But much like our limitations from others....we limit ourselves in the same way. Through chemical makeup, or condition. We reserve ourselves, because of a million factors....fuck...I need to sleep. 

You are destroying my heart with the mere thought of your skin. With lips pressed against yours.the slight hum you give...tells me, they're exactly where you want them.

Stalemate

A creative stalemate.
The images dont come out.
The music isn't there.

I don't live. I think that's the issue.
I don't go out, I don't interact.
I have every reason to.
But absolutely no motivation to actually do it.
And after reading a backed up blog...
Its apparently essential for me to create shit.
Going out seeing and experiencing.

Quicksand.

I'm my age...I'm just not seeing a need to go
And do that dance.

This is the time of night where I have time to kill before I go to bed. I feel like I have to do something....but there isn't enough time to do anything...I need the internet in my place...this phone thing is for the birds.

I'm waiting for it to turn to anger.
Considering everything was a lie.
She never understood.

Why, can't people just tell the truth?
Especially to the ones they "love"?
I know its a matter of not wanting to hurt them,
Atleast I hope anyway.
I always begged her...if you meet someone,
I atleast deserve the courtesy of you telling me.
But no.

Just fucking stupid.
I want to write her a letter...and say everything.
But she won't read it. Or respond.

IT doesn't deserve anymore of my time.

So.....change...

I've been in my place for a week and a half now. So much has changed...I mean just in the last month.

One thing I've noticed...
My heart is wide open.
Its a gaping hole.

I'm slowly and unintentionally growing into the whole...
"Be who you are, and speak from your heart..."
thing. ...people don't know how to take it.
Honesty is foreign to human beings.
I realizing...than even in honesty, people expect deception.
Its unfortunate.

I also understand that just because you find adoration, for someone. It doesn't mean its given in return.
There's no horrible circumstance behind me understanding and learning that.

If I could change anything in my life...I would change people to where they just knew that I was harmless.
I have never....never....intentionally hurt anyone.
But circumstance...never let's anything truly be painless.
I would also change that it feels that noone takes the time to get to know who I am. I guess that's a loaded issue...considering I don't even know who I am. But I think the only way someone can know who they are, is by experience, comparison, and examination.

I have a hard time leaving my house.
The motivation isn't there. I want to go out and meet people. But I kind of don't see the purpose.
To suit a personal need? For contact, socialization?
...sex? (LMAO). How does someone cultivate a productive relationship? How do I keep from deeming it exhausting...and useless...and want it all gone?

I can't just go with it.
I have to analyze to find its worth.
I want to shut that off, and stop.

Christ and his anger...

You know...the part in the entire bible..that always seemed weird to me....is when jesus goes to jerusalem...and wrecks the temple for turning it into a casinoy, market place. That...I think...is where the words start to distort for me. His followers were recording the events. So these stories are from their perspective. His followers...which were absolutely subjective to jesus' plight. ...but the historical record of crucifixion. People were crucified for even simple crimes. Is it not plausible, that his messianic claims irritated the temple...but by wrecking the market....those actions, angered them. Destroying the livelihood of the operators of those shops etc. Those owners demanded that jesus be punished...and the temple understood...and they too were outraged.

My question is.... could it be...that...

Jesus was crucified for destroying the temple...
But was simply mocked for his claims of being the messiah?
And since his followers recorded the events...in the mindset of jesus being the messiah, exaggerated the importance of his martyrdom...but diminished the importance of actions of destroying the market?

I know it seems stupid to put so much on such a seemingly pointless detail. But...considering the reasons for crucifixion...is it so far fetched?

The strength of religious conviction has always given way to falsehoods. Crying statues of Mary. Stigmata. Self proclaimed prophets. The modern day church, turning into a marketplace, apparently far far far from jesus. But
Done in the name of jesus, and god. A falsehood on behalf of those in charge of the church.

I'm only writing this because, its been rolling around my head for a while....

Its ok baby to fall apart, that far from me.
I can't put back, everything we were supposed to be,
The way it all fell away inside, the culprit,
Was this, 
a broken heart,
Miles away, another year to start,

I wish I could stop feeling.

This is very simple.
Stay in bed with me.
That's all I want.
And wake up when we want.
I don't know...just the prospect of waking up
To a beautiful face smiling at me...

Sitting, talking with her.
I smiled, she smiled.
We looked into each others eyes.
It felt great. She makes me feel like
I matter. Her sweetness.

I hope it always causes you pain.
In the same way it will, me.

I stop being busy....and everything collapses.
This is so fucking stupid.
I'm thinking of her.
I just need to do something else.
I'm sure she has someone else.
And I can't even really imagine it.
I just need to remove that part of my brain.
But its hard...considering the roots of it all...go right through me. But I have to try...there's really no option.
Something or someone new has to come into my life.
Or I'm going to drown. I can feel it.

She contacted me....

I haven't spoken to her in two weeks.
She texted me. I didn't reply.

This is not a life. This is waiting...

Sometimes a reminder of somewhere else...
Somewhere bigger than your eyes...
Will draw you to them....
Sometimes living a little...can mean a lot.
And can certainly remind you,
That sometimes, when you think you were living,
You were truly...alive...and burning bright.
There is a regret in me...a longing...
To go back there.

But I can't and I won't.

At about 3am...for some reason...I woke up terrified that someone was watching me sleep through the crack I my blinds. There was no hesitation..it was like I was sleep walking...I opened my eyes and jumped up... but my body didn't want to move other than fixing the window... it was like I was full of sand.... I hope it was just a one time thing.... I know that sometimes. People have these nightmare type of things...where they wake up...but are unable to move...it called sleep paralysis. Its something your body naturally does...while your in rem sleep...your body shuts down...but your mind still works...usually you open your eyes...but can't move...your brain doesn't send the signal to the rest of your body... what happened to me... it was like my eyes were open like in sleep paralysis...but its like my brain said...."keep that person from watching you sleep." ....and my body did it...  and I watched my body do it....like I was watching someone else...no control... but when I was done fixing the window...I was afraid I was going to collapse...I had no control... my body went stiff...and motionless...but I managed to fall backward onto my bed. Where I instantly went back to sleep... I was conscious during the whole episode...watching myself...but not controlling...reacting on impulse.....   I just read the wiki on sleep paralysis...and they say that it happens when people are under extreme amounts of stress. All I know...I was terrified that a person, a corpse or creature...was staring at me through the crack in my blinds....and I had to stop it.... anyone else ever have this? I had it once...but I wasn't moving...I saw things crawling on the back of my door...they had glowing eyes and there were hundreds...crawling all over themselves.

Maybe if it crashes down...i can stand again...

Is it too late?
Will I ever find my place?
Will there ever be another?
Is this the way my life is ment to be?
These films, of kissing and of love...
The mere mention of it repulses me.
And sends a shrill stab that cleaves my ribs
In two...right up to my brain.
The sad state of my parents, my brothers mess.
How could life have been this way...
When did it fall apart.

I can't see the positive.
I don't know how.
I'm so beat down...

And she...she still has too much.
I don't know how or why.
Maybe, its just that she has been there.
In my head...never truly with me.

my loneliness.
That...is my enemy.
I cannot wait another 6 years before I can smile again.
But I don't know what will help.
I don't know if someone else will help.
I don't know if forgetting will help.

I just need to find a heart.
That is willing to find me.
Through this shit I call a fucking life.
Fear and pain....regret and sadness...
Im drowning...and noone telling me
To "just be happy"....is going to fix anything.
Because I've felt varying degree of this for 30 years...
My friends are sick of hearing about it...
And my parents just take responsibility upon themselves.

I want to just keep it all inside.
But that...will help nothing.
And I have more days like today.
Crying all day long...head pounding...
Unable to do anything...anything at all.
So I sit motionless...

This can not...get worse.
If it gets any worse...
I truthfully don't know what will happen.
I will freeze.

I only keep these words...to get them out.
I post them openly...so that maybe I can
Find someone or my words can reach someone
And they will reach me...so I don't feel so fucking
hopeless. So I don't feel so alone...
And if they can be seen as a cry for help...
Maybe they are...but from where I am now...
Its just catharsis..getting what I feel out of me...

Today...

Music is meaningless.
Food is tasteless.
Movies can't hold my attention.
Art just seems useless.
My head hurts.
My stomach is sick.
I'm tired.
I can't type what I'm thinking.

stupid.

Maybe she will make me believe in magic again.
An invisible impossibility...
made real by her suggestion.
Not by her lie.

Maybe I will believe in her like religion...
But what will it take...?
15 years of nothing?
2 weeks of passion?
A conversation?
A smile?
Maybe, light seeping through my blinds...
The headlights of a passing car...
Quickly lighting the room, then fading...
Changing her face from and eye closed orgasm,
To a shadow.
light gleaming across bare breasts,
Like a bullet from a gun...
Maybe what she says in that moment will make
Me believe in magic again...or, in the least...
Make me believe love is possible.

A goal...

I wish to live a horrible life.
By horrible I mean...a life, in the eyes of a decent moral man... horrible. This horrid existence wouldn't be criminal...but...carnal. now..don't get me wrong...this isn't referring to sex...but it is of the flesh.

Now...I'm not talking of anything....illegal.

I wish to be surrounded by the temporal.
By those who realize we are an animal,
With impulses induced by chemicals...
Fluxuating...and charging in our brains...
And these people will recognize that these bodies...
Obviously...expire....and every minute is
A missed opportunity...even when productively...
Its still a wasted moment.

So I dream of the day when my impulses...
Are met and fulfilled...with no Question...

Maybe to live my life...
With a plaything...
A beautiful doll to dress up...and destroy if I wish.
Or... to protect from the outside world...
A toy to preserve and enjoy...

To adore and demolish...
To emphasize, and destroy...

Where are you?

I would steal every breath from you.

Watching "creation"....such a good movie.
I must read "origin of the species".
Evolution. People look at human beings and the world...
And think "everything is so complex, it couldn't be mere chance."
I think the complete opposite...
Everything is so complex....how could any being great, greater or small.
Create this complicated flesh...or orchestrate the very cells that make
Up these bodies. I don't see the difficulty in seeing the minute changes
Over an unfathomably long 100,000 years. And countless iterations,
And revisions to flawed cell and bone structures. Sense dictates
To me...the perfect storm...culminating in us...... Bah...I need sleep.

My favorite poem ever...

This

Blog is for random odd thoughts...
And Writing things...
Sometimes you just have to get words out...

Yep.

Enough.

Enough!

No more wasting time!

There's a quivering cur...swirling in my neck between my shoulder blades. Its my skin sleeplessly screaming.
These unanchored shores, cling haplessly to what my
Soul is singing. The words my spine wants to say to
You... perhaps I may not have anything to
Say...but just to know that someone is listening.
Someone who knows my love.

Sometimes I wonder what its going to be like when life leaves my body. All of my grandparents when I was a kid. Last year My aunt and my uncle, 5 weeks apart, my aunts boyfriend, a friends, best friend of 21 years, and the day before yesterday, a friends stepdad....

I have a hard time watching people sleep.
Especially since my uncle...he died in the house next door.

I don't know if its healthy thinking about these things.
But I do, daily...just not normally first thing in the
morning.

Everything just kind of piles up in my head though.
Is this person lying to me, am I going to get fired,
Will I ever not feel alone, when will my parents die,
Who will be first...when will I die....will I be alone,
Will I sit for 47 years, and not be found like that
Woman in scotland. And since I will die....what's the point of caring about anything at all.

Thought about companies yesterday...
These people work their lives to build this company.
Working long hard hours...for nothing.
When they die its just a flash...
The accumilation of a life...bubbling...then bursting...

I don't know....
It all kind of leaves me frayed....
Like a power cord cut from a device while in use.

Fucks my head up.
The uselessness of it all.
And peoples denial of its end.
I can't wrap myself around the world...
I can't make it a part of me.
I can't enjoy things.
If ever and rarely....
That's just how I am.

Its been a long time...

I would change my life for you.
To wake up and have you there.
To feel your arms arond me.
To kiss your lips.
Whenever we are together, it feels like I'm holding
My breath.

Maybe if I better my life,
You could see me the same way.
Maybe if I lost weight,
I don't know...

But you inspire this unreasonable desire in me
To keep you safe, and to make you smile...

A home is a home...no matter how badly you want to leave it....

Goodnight, moon...
your irradiated glow,
Uncover my eyes,
what this night will show,
A distant howl,
Trees weeping syrupy sap,
A girl peering outward,
Her house and its collapse,
Looking toward the road,
Waiting for a car,
Looking for the headlights,
Distracted by stars,
Her gaze moves upward,
No cars in sight,
Gently, sadly staring,
At the glittering and the light,
Its silent there,
Where her house fell down,
The blue hue made her stay,
Just like the stars,
And unseen cars,
disappearing in the day...

At night she returns,
Her longing still burns,
Her eyes fixed on the street,
She died long ago,
But noone would know,
She's someone you never will meet...

I don't know what to do with myself.

She is my open sore.
This horrible shit she does to me.
I allow.
It makes me sick inside.
I want it to stop.
Remove this cancer.
Remove it from my mind and heart.
Let me learn to live my life again.
To move on.
I have to kill it.
To find someway to be happy

We will not go out with grandeur, or fanfare...
We will go in a store front whimper.

There's something I'm not seeing.
I wish I knew what it was.
I wish it had a name.
Maybe I'm out of place.
Maybe Ive misplaced the world.
Or maybe its just out of sorts within myself.
The world.
I don't know how to speak anymore.
Every word has 100 different meanings
And could be understood 10 different ways
For every potential meaning.
How could anyone be or atleast feel comfortable
In this fucking messy trap of words.
How is it we are surviving with so much text...?
How is it that we use so much language....
And noone is saying....anything?

Im not a fucking creeper...

A Model.
That's what I need.
I don't want to fuck them.
I just want to create from them.
A muse. That's all.
No secondary motive.
No trickery.

I don't know...
its just frustrating.

I'm tired.

No. 1

This is what it will be.

Slagseed - "visit"

(*.mp3, 2m9s, 128kbps,44khz, 1mb97kb)