This is the time of night where I have time to kill before I go to bed. I feel like I have to do something....but there isn't enough time to do anything...I need the internet in my place...this phone thing is for the birds.

I'm waiting for it to turn to anger.
Considering everything was a lie.
She never understood.

Why, can't people just tell the truth?
Especially to the ones they "love"?
I know its a matter of not wanting to hurt them,
Atleast I hope anyway.
I always begged her...if you meet someone,
I atleast deserve the courtesy of you telling me.
But no.

Just fucking stupid.
I want to write her a letter...and say everything.
But she won't read it. Or respond.

IT doesn't deserve anymore of my time.

So.....change...

I've been in my place for a week and a half now. So much has changed...I mean just in the last month.

One thing I've noticed...
My heart is wide open.
Its a gaping hole.

I'm slowly and unintentionally growing into the whole...
"Be who you are, and speak from your heart..."
thing. ...people don't know how to take it.
Honesty is foreign to human beings.
I realizing...than even in honesty, people expect deception.
Its unfortunate.

I also understand that just because you find adoration, for someone. It doesn't mean its given in return.
There's no horrible circumstance behind me understanding and learning that.

If I could change anything in my life...I would change people to where they just knew that I was harmless.
I have never....never....intentionally hurt anyone.
But circumstance...never let's anything truly be painless.
I would also change that it feels that noone takes the time to get to know who I am. I guess that's a loaded issue...considering I don't even know who I am. But I think the only way someone can know who they are, is by experience, comparison, and examination.

I have a hard time leaving my house.
The motivation isn't there. I want to go out and meet people. But I kind of don't see the purpose.
To suit a personal need? For contact, socialization?
...sex? (LMAO). How does someone cultivate a productive relationship? How do I keep from deeming it exhausting...and useless...and want it all gone?

I can't just go with it.
I have to analyze to find its worth.
I want to shut that off, and stop.