This is not a life. This is waiting...

Sometimes a reminder of somewhere else...
Somewhere bigger than your eyes...
Will draw you to them....
Sometimes living a little...can mean a lot.
And can certainly remind you,
That sometimes, when you think you were living,
You were truly...alive...and burning bright.
There is a regret in me...a longing...
To go back there.

But I can't and I won't.

At about 3am...for some reason...I woke up terrified that someone was watching me sleep through the crack I my blinds. There was no hesitation..it was like I was sleep walking...I opened my eyes and jumped up... but my body didn't want to move other than fixing the window... it was like I was full of sand.... I hope it was just a one time thing.... I know that sometimes. People have these nightmare type of things...where they wake up...but are unable to move...it called sleep paralysis. Its something your body naturally does...while your in rem sleep...your body shuts down...but your mind still works...usually you open your eyes...but can't move...your brain doesn't send the signal to the rest of your body... what happened to me... it was like my eyes were open like in sleep paralysis...but its like my brain said...."keep that person from watching you sleep." ....and my body did it...  and I watched my body do it....like I was watching someone else...no control... but when I was done fixing the window...I was afraid I was going to collapse...I had no control... my body went stiff...and motionless...but I managed to fall backward onto my bed. Where I instantly went back to sleep... I was conscious during the whole episode...watching myself...but not controlling...reacting on impulse.....   I just read the wiki on sleep paralysis...and they say that it happens when people are under extreme amounts of stress. All I know...I was terrified that a person, a corpse or creature...was staring at me through the crack in my blinds....and I had to stop it.... anyone else ever have this? I had it once...but I wasn't moving...I saw things crawling on the back of my door...they had glowing eyes and there were hundreds...crawling all over themselves.

Maybe if it crashes down...i can stand again...

Is it too late?
Will I ever find my place?
Will there ever be another?
Is this the way my life is ment to be?
These films, of kissing and of love...
The mere mention of it repulses me.
And sends a shrill stab that cleaves my ribs
In two...right up to my brain.
The sad state of my parents, my brothers mess.
How could life have been this way...
When did it fall apart.

I can't see the positive.
I don't know how.
I'm so beat down...

And she...she still has too much.
I don't know how or why.
Maybe, its just that she has been there.
In my head...never truly with me.

my loneliness.
That...is my enemy.
I cannot wait another 6 years before I can smile again.
But I don't know what will help.
I don't know if someone else will help.
I don't know if forgetting will help.

I just need to find a heart.
That is willing to find me.
Through this shit I call a fucking life.
Fear and pain....regret and sadness...
Im drowning...and noone telling me
To "just be happy"....is going to fix anything.
Because I've felt varying degree of this for 30 years...
My friends are sick of hearing about it...
And my parents just take responsibility upon themselves.

I want to just keep it all inside.
But that...will help nothing.
And I have more days like today.
Crying all day long...head pounding...
Unable to do anything...anything at all.
So I sit motionless...

This can not...get worse.
If it gets any worse...
I truthfully don't know what will happen.
I will freeze.

I only keep these words...to get them out.
I post them openly...so that maybe I can
Find someone or my words can reach someone
And they will reach me...so I don't feel so fucking
hopeless. So I don't feel so alone...
And if they can be seen as a cry for help...
Maybe they are...but from where I am now...
Its just catharsis..getting what I feel out of me...

Today...

Music is meaningless.
Food is tasteless.
Movies can't hold my attention.
Art just seems useless.
My head hurts.
My stomach is sick.
I'm tired.
I can't type what I'm thinking.

stupid.

Maybe she will make me believe in magic again.
An invisible impossibility...
made real by her suggestion.
Not by her lie.

Maybe I will believe in her like religion...
But what will it take...?
15 years of nothing?
2 weeks of passion?
A conversation?
A smile?
Maybe, light seeping through my blinds...
The headlights of a passing car...
Quickly lighting the room, then fading...
Changing her face from and eye closed orgasm,
To a shadow.
light gleaming across bare breasts,
Like a bullet from a gun...
Maybe what she says in that moment will make
Me believe in magic again...or, in the least...
Make me believe love is possible.