Sometimes I wonder what its going to be like when life leaves my body. All of my grandparents when I was a kid. Last year My aunt and my uncle, 5 weeks apart, my aunts boyfriend, a friends, best friend of 21 years, and the day before yesterday, a friends stepdad....

I have a hard time watching people sleep.
Especially since my uncle...he died in the house next door.

I don't know if its healthy thinking about these things.
But I do, daily...just not normally first thing in the
morning.

Everything just kind of piles up in my head though.
Is this person lying to me, am I going to get fired,
Will I ever not feel alone, when will my parents die,
Who will be first...when will I die....will I be alone,
Will I sit for 47 years, and not be found like that
Woman in scotland. And since I will die....what's the point of caring about anything at all.

Thought about companies yesterday...
These people work their lives to build this company.
Working long hard hours...for nothing.
When they die its just a flash...
The accumilation of a life...bubbling...then bursting...

I don't know....
It all kind of leaves me frayed....
Like a power cord cut from a device while in use.

Fucks my head up.
The uselessness of it all.
And peoples denial of its end.
I can't wrap myself around the world...
I can't make it a part of me.
I can't enjoy things.
If ever and rarely....
That's just how I am.