enough

To whom it may concern,

Love. Love is a confusing thing. Theres a dichotomy in love, as wondrous and mysterious, and elusive as it can be. It can be as equally destructive. There must be a balance within its walls. never fifty fifty at all times.but in the end, looking back at it all... you see the minute teetering, of one hearts weight against the other. that is the balance. that is the balance of love... this line of thinking, its nature lies in regret. more so at the end. But while in love, while in mid-breath...its nature lies in Hope. A hope that, the faith you have in the other, will find that middle ground, that balance, at sometime.

at some point, in love, when one gives all, and is exhausted. the only thing that will get them through. is the recognition of what has been given. a measurement must be made by the one who has taken. In that taking theyve left a void, in the one who had willingly given.

That measurement, is a recognition of an imbalance. That measurement, should set forth a course of action to find that...place. that place of solace, and justification to the heart thats been left wanting. and the only person who can accomplish this justification and balance. is the heart that has only taken. if they are unwilling to return the love, and heart theyve taken. in the way, and time that matters most.

Then there is nothing left to love.

if you look at your relationship now, and feel youve given, and compromised too much of yourself. and see no return, now, or in the future. you are plotting your own suffering. your own broken heart. this is where i am. I have done everything i can to find ways to silence a screaming broken fucking heart. and the only solution, is love returned. something to show me that this person cares, and that all of my pain was not in vain. and her admission, that I "didnt do enough". resulted in me writing this.
i dont want her to return anything to me. Im done with caring about anything. nothing is worthy of love, if it isnt willing to show it in return. im stopping writing now, because im getting angry.

to anyone ive dreamed of, thats never given me the opportunity to show my heart.
truly, and unrestrained. im sorry for your blindness.

-me

The sound and obscurity...

I know why I make the "music" that I make. it doesn't incur a memory in my head. There is no emotional reference of it anywhere in my past. 90% of the time...I'm an open sore. But this stuff I make...is numbness.
Its why I can't come up with real words. That gives it context...which means it matters. Which makes it difficult.  ...I can't listen to women singing in the room with me. Or the sound of acoustic instruments resonating near me. It rips me wide open. Like that violin echoing through the canal. I lost control. I hate it. I hate it. Goodnight.  

bad damn day.
thats all i post here is negativity.
negativity and randomness.
i guess its better than letting it all build up.

so far today.
i found out my company is moving about an hour away.
about 2 weeks after my car dies.
luckily i live close enough to walk to work.

so...thats a problem.

and...my phones charging cable...its connectors broke off.
so...theres that.

i just need something good to happen.
i really truly do.

God.

god as a concept is neither fact or fiction. we just chose the word "god" to explain it.      im asking...define "god"..     the idea of infinite possibilities...is incomprehensible...  in one of those universes...someone can say... "theres no way life can be supported on creatures made of water and carbon.". so there can be "godlike" entities.   but... when it comes to creation... being able to accept that there are unfathomable iterations of A universe...(i dont know who defined ours are the "origination") ....if you canaccept thatidea...then you can accept that in the realm of absolute potentiality..that in one of these a "god" could exist. if we as humans were able to experience these universes...we would be "god".    ...but it all depends on your definition of god. is it spiritual, physical, societal...etc... we cant apply human/earthly reasoning/rationality to the universe. especially when it comes to infinite possibilty. we can only apply open ended speculation.       ...it all comes down to the definition of god.   if god was a collapsed star..a flash in the universe... an explosion of matter and antimatter...lacking mass...a blackhole...it would be a suspension of time.  why couldnt that be god?    ...thats a better definition that ..you know.....jesus.     sorry....im thinking "outloud"....

The end of the world...

So...tomorrow.... end of the world.

Its bullshit. It takes 365 days for the earth to revolve around the sun.
If some sort of alignment would alter the earths atmosphere, causing a second ice age...or some sort of other celestially induced destruction.... guess what...there would have to be a build up...a precursor TO the magnetic fields aligning or whatever... put two magnets together...the come together with a *snap....what's the precursor?   The magnet dragging itself across the table on its way TO the 2nd magnet. ...in terms of galactic bodies....I SEE NO PRECURSORS. Unless they happen rapidly....probably starting with waves...probably....twice the size of average waves.... THAT would be the first sign to me....that shit was about to get real.

SO...that leaves some sort of religious armageddon.
To that...I say.....STRIKE US DEAD.

We fucking deserve it.
These religions...this arrogance...the lies we've told ourselves to appear superior.   I'm sick of them. I understand the ramifications of what I'm saying. That means everyone I know....life taken away...either peacefully...or not. I know that all suffering is gone. All sadness would be gone. All of the delusions of importance.... wiped away. No more rich motherfuckers with daddys money fucking life up for everyone else because they have no compassion...no heart. No more poor, starving people, wishing for a chance to live...and prosper... no more thieves...no more pitiful ....no more ugliness...no more beauty...  

We are apes...disgusting apes...who have a poisonous passion for a false freedom. We are not free. Noone is free... we are still a slave to our biological demands. Our instinctual necessity...our selfish desire.

Enough.

So...as I said...tomorrow is bullshit.
But.... a small corner of my heart...is let down by it.

*Note*

I am a talentless hack. A bullshitter. A charlatan. I do things to entertain myself more than for notoriety.
The "I can" is more important than the "I have"s.
And the "I will" has always pushed the "Iquit"s aside.
I know I'm am an oaf...I am a foolish idiot.

I am at war with everything.