SF 2024

old new

 i am migrating away from social media.

slowly.

i think stepping back to a more curated and personal format
is the right way to go

for more than a few reasons

i think the immediacy, the demand of algorithms and positive reinforcement by 
involvement is unnecessary pressure.

so..ill post thoughts here.
ill post work here as long as it will allow. 

At about 3am...for some reason...I woke up terrified that someone was watching me sleep through the crack I my blinds. There was no hesitation..it was like I was sleep walking...I opened my eyes and jumped up... but my body didn't want to move other than fixing the window... it was like I was full of sand.... I hope it was just a one time thing.... I know that sometimes. People have these nightmare type of things...where they wake up...but are unable to move...it called sleep paralysis. Its something your body naturally does...while your in rem sleep...your body shuts down...but your mind still works...usually you open your eyes...but can't move...your brain doesn't send the signal to the rest of your body... what happened to me... it was like my eyes were open like in sleep paralysis...but its like my brain said...."keep that person from watching you sleep." ....and my body did it...  and I watched my body do it....like I was watching someone else...no control... but when I was done fixing the window...I was afraid I was going to collapse...I had no control... my body went stiff...and motionless...but I managed to fall backward onto my bed. Where I instantly went back to sleep... I was conscious during the whole episode...watching myself...but not controlling...reacting on impulse.....   I just read the wiki on sleep paralysis...and they say that it happens when people are under extreme amounts of stress. All I know...I was terrified that a person, a corpse or creature...was staring at me through the crack in my blinds....and I had to stop it.... anyone else ever have this? I had it once...but I wasn't moving...I saw things crawling on the back of my door...they had glowing eyes and there were hundreds...crawling all over themselves.

A goal...

I wish to live a horrible life.
By horrible I mean...a life, in the eyes of a decent moral man... horrible. This horrid existence wouldn't be criminal...but...carnal. now..don't get me wrong...this isn't referring to sex...but it is of the flesh.

Now...I'm not talking of anything....illegal.

I wish to be surrounded by the temporal.
By those who realize we are an animal,
With impulses induced by chemicals...
Fluxuating...and charging in our brains...
And these people will recognize that these bodies...
Obviously...expire....and every minute is
A missed opportunity...even when productively...
Its still a wasted moment.

So I dream of the day when my impulses...
Are met and fulfilled...with no Question...

Maybe to live my life...
With a plaything...
A beautiful doll to dress up...and destroy if I wish.
Or... to protect from the outside world...
A toy to preserve and enjoy...

To adore and demolish...
To emphasize, and destroy...

Where are you?

This

There's a quivering cur...swirling in my neck between my shoulder blades. Its my skin sleeplessly screaming.
These unanchored shores, cling haplessly to what my
Soul is singing. The words my spine wants to say to
You... perhaps I may not have anything to
Say...but just to know that someone is listening.
Someone who knows my love.