At about 3am...for some reason...I woke up terrified that someone was watching me sleep through the crack I my blinds. There was no hesitation..it was like I was sleep walking...I opened my eyes and jumped up... but my body didn't want to move other than fixing the window... it was like I was full of sand.... I hope it was just a one time thing.... I know that sometimes. People have these nightmare type of things...where they wake up...but are unable to move...it called sleep paralysis. Its something your body naturally does...while your in rem sleep...your body shuts down...but your mind still works...usually you open your eyes...but can't move...your brain doesn't send the signal to the rest of your body... what happened to me... it was like my eyes were open like in sleep paralysis...but its like my brain said...."keep that person from watching you sleep." ....and my body did it...  and I watched my body do it....like I was watching someone else...no control... but when I was done fixing the window...I was afraid I was going to collapse...I had no control... my body went stiff...and motionless...but I managed to fall backward onto my bed. Where I instantly went back to sleep... I was conscious during the whole episode...watching myself...but not controlling...reacting on impulse.....   I just read the wiki on sleep paralysis...and they say that it happens when people are under extreme amounts of stress. All I know...I was terrified that a person, a corpse or creature...was staring at me through the crack in my blinds....and I had to stop it.... anyone else ever have this? I had it once...but I wasn't moving...I saw things crawling on the back of my door...they had glowing eyes and there were hundreds...crawling all over themselves.

A goal...

I wish to live a horrible life.
By horrible I mean...a life, in the eyes of a decent moral man... horrible. This horrid existence wouldn't be criminal...but...carnal. now..don't get me wrong...this isn't referring to sex...but it is of the flesh.

Now...I'm not talking of anything....illegal.

I wish to be surrounded by the temporal.
By those who realize we are an animal,
With impulses induced by chemicals...
Fluxuating...and charging in our brains...
And these people will recognize that these bodies...
Obviously...expire....and every minute is
A missed opportunity...even when productively...
Its still a wasted moment.

So I dream of the day when my impulses...
Are met and fulfilled...with no Question...

Maybe to live my life...
With a plaything...
A beautiful doll to dress up...and destroy if I wish.
Or... to protect from the outside world...
A toy to preserve and enjoy...

To adore and demolish...
To emphasize, and destroy...

Where are you?

This

There's a quivering cur...swirling in my neck between my shoulder blades. Its my skin sleeplessly screaming.
These unanchored shores, cling haplessly to what my
Soul is singing. The words my spine wants to say to
You... perhaps I may not have anything to
Say...but just to know that someone is listening.
Someone who knows my love. 

Sometimes I wonder what its going to be like when life leaves my body. All of my grandparents when I was a kid. Last year My aunt and my uncle, 5 weeks apart, my aunts boyfriend, a friends, best friend of 21 years, and the day before yesterday, a friends stepdad....

I have a hard time watching people sleep.
Especially since my uncle...he died in the house next door.

I don't know if its healthy thinking about these things.
But I do, daily...just not normally first thing in the
morning.

Everything just kind of piles up in my head though.
Is this person lying to me, am I going to get fired,
Will I ever not feel alone, when will my parents die,
Who will be first...when will I die....will I be alone,
Will I sit for 47 years, and not be found like that
Woman in scotland. And since I will die....what's the point of caring about anything at all.

Thought about companies yesterday...
These people work their lives to build this company.
Working long hard hours...for nothing.
When they die its just a flash...
The accumilation of a life...bubbling...then bursting...

I don't know....
It all kind of leaves me frayed....
Like a power cord cut from a device while in use.

Fucks my head up.
The uselessness of it all.
And peoples denial of its end.
I can't wrap myself around the world...
I can't make it a part of me.
I can't enjoy things.
If ever and rarely....
That's just how I am.

A home is a home...no matter how badly you want to leave it....

Goodnight, moon...
your irradiated glow,
Uncover my eyes,
what this night will show,
A distant howl,
Trees weeping syrupy sap,
A girl peering outward,
Her house and its collapse,
Looking toward the road,
Waiting for a car,
Looking for the headlights,
Distracted by stars,
Her gaze moves upward,
No cars in sight,
Gently, sadly staring,
At the glittering and the light,
Its silent there,
Where her house fell down,
The blue hue made her stay,
Just like the stars,
And unseen cars,
disappearing in the day...

At night she returns,
Her longing still burns,
Her eyes fixed on the street,
She died long ago,
But noone would know,
She's someone you never will meet...

We will not go out with grandeur, or fanfare...
We will go in a store front whimper. 

There's something I'm not seeing.
I wish I knew what it was.
I wish it had a name.
Maybe I'm out of place.
Maybe Ive misplaced the world.
Or maybe its just out of sorts within myself.
The world.
I don't know how to speak anymore.
Every word has 100 different meanings
And could be understood 10 different ways
For every potential meaning.
How could anyone be or atleast feel comfortable
In this fucking messy trap of words.
How is it we are surviving with so much text...?
How is it that we use so much language....
And noone is saying....anything?